Have you ever felt that sharp jab after an interview? You know – you wait for the call, it finally comes, and they tell you it wasn’t the right fit, or they went with someone else. Before you decide what that says about you, give me a few minutes.
I have been there. More than once, for sure. Over the years, I started reading into psychology, including CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and a bit of neurolinguistic programming, and slowly the way I looked at failure shifted. Interview rejection included.
Rejection does not mean you are not good enough
Most of the pain after an interview traces back to one belief we rarely say out loud: that a knock-back means we are not good enough.
Here is the trap. Your mind takes one event, a no from this centre, this university, this school, and turns it into a verdict about all of you. The actual fact is usually plain. “We went with another candidate.” That is rarely what you hear, though. You hear that it is personal, that you failed, that you didn’t show well, that you are a loser.
In psychology, these mental shortcuts are called cognitive distortions, and a few of them tend to turn up the moment a rejection lands.
There is overgeneralisation, where one “no” becomes “I always fail interviews.” When you catch yourself there, stop and ask whether that is actually true. Then list the times you didn’t fail, when you did land the job, the role, the mark, whatever you were after. This one got me badly when I missed out on a training job at TAFE. I told myself it would never happen because I wasn’t born here, and that thought walked me straight into the victim seat.
Then there is labelling, where a single outcome hardens into an identity. One ordinary interview on one ordinary day becomes “I am a failure.”
Personalisation is another. You read the decision of the director, the preschool committee as a judgment of your worth, when most of the time it comes down to budget, timing and fit. And sometimes, honestly, there is already an internal candidate. The role still gets advertised and a few people still get interviewed so it all looks fair, but the choice was made before you walked in.
Last one, emotional reasoning. “I feel like a failure, therefore I am one.” Sound familiar?
This is where you separate the event from the story you wrap around it. One of my favourite Buddhist teachers, Pema Chödrön, talks about feeling what you feel and then dropping the storyline. Let yourself sit with what actually happened, the event itself, without building a whole narrative about what it says about you.
“Feel the feelings and drop the story.”
Why rejection hurts almost physically
It still hurts to be rejected. I know that very well. And there is a good reason it can feel almost physical.
Eisenberger and Lieberman used brain imaging to study social exclusion. They found that some of the same regions tied to physical pain switch on when we are left out. That pain is a real signal, wired into us from a time when we lived in tribes and being pushed out of the group could mean death. To your social brain, a rejection still reads as a threat.
Once you have named the hurt, the question is what to do with it. Across my own interview journey I keep coming back to three ideas.
Three things that helped me
The first is self-compassion, from the work of Kristin Neff. Her research shows that treating yourself with kindness helps you recover far more quickly than turning on yourself. So instead of propping up your ego (“I’m better than that job anyway, they clearly had no idea”), try this. Picture a friend who walked out of that exact interview with that exact rejection. Would you call them names? Of course not. You would give them a hug, shout them a coffee, remind them what they are good at, and tell them to keep going. Say those things to yourself.
The second is planned happenstance, from John Krumboltz, whose career counselling work I am studying right now. His idea is that careers are shaped mostly by events we never planned for. What helps is staying open, curious, persistent and flexible while you chase the work you want. That mindset lets a rejection become a redirection. When I missed the trainer job the first time, I started wondering whether I could move into assessing instead, working with learners on placement rather than running a classroom. That turned out to be easier to get into.
The third comes from Mark Savickas and his career narrative approach. A setback can become a chapter you give meaning to, instead of the final word. You are the author here. This rejection makes one small event in a long story, and it does not decide your ending.
A final word
So I wish you all the best with your next interview. Be kind to yourself and keep an open mind. You are still the one writing this story.
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Over the years, I have come across a fair share of bilingual or even bilingual children in my care. I teach in Australia and this country is proud to have a diverse population. Here are few things that I observed and learned while working with multicultural families.
“Learn a new language and you gain a new soul.” (Czech proverb)
Bilingualism means speaking more than one language. To be precise, two languages. Children become bilingual for different reasons. Sometimes it happens by circumstance (for example, when parents move to another country). Sometimes it is practical (study, career, opportunities). Sometimes it is emotional (to communicate with family), and sometimes simply out of love for a language.
No matter why you choose to raise a bilingual child or support them in your educational setting, speaking more than one language will benefit them.
Two languages are better than one
Research continues to show the advantages of bilingualism. It is much more than just knowing two languages.
First, bilingual children are more open to other people and cultures. They tend to have a broader worldview compared to monolingual children.
Second, bilingual children develop strong metalinguistic awareness. They notice grammar patterns more easily and understand how language works. For many objects, they know two words. Switching between languages helps them see connections between sounds and letters, which often supports strong writing skills.
Third, bilingual children can switch their attention more easily. This helps them focus better and manage multiple tasks.
Fourth, bilingual children often show stronger divergent thinking. They can think of many different ways to use objects and solve problems creatively. As adults, bilingual people tend to have mental flexibility, and their brains are more resilient with age. History also shows that many well-known creative thinkers were bilingual.
“Coca-Cola, please!”
I wanted my son to grow up bilingual from birth. We watched Muzzy in Gondoland, played educational games, and read books in English. I sang songs in English, Italian, and French, always naming the language so he could learn to recognise them.
However, his response to my English attempts at age four was… memorable.
I remember him stamping his feet and asking me to stop speaking English. But everything changed on a Qantas flight. At five years old, he realised the flight attendants did not understand Russian—and he really wanted juice and Coca-Cola.
He tried saying “I want cola” in Russian. The flight attendant smiled politely but did not understand. By the end of the long flight, he had learned to say clearly: “Coca-Cola, please!”
His second “survival phrase” was “Where is the toilet?”, which he learned at school.
By age ten, he was speaking English fluently—better than I could imagine after many years of learning it myself.
How children learn a second language
My son’s journey follows a pattern described by Patton Tabors. Children typically go through four stages when learning a second language:
Using their home language and noticing it does not work
Silent period – listening, observing, absorbing language
Formulaic phrases – “Me too”, “What’s your name?”, “I want…”
Productive stage – speaking freely and confidently
Every child moves through these stages at their own pace.
When to start
In early childhood, the brain forms connections quickly, so learning a second language is more effective.
There are different types of bilingualism:
Infant bilingualism – exposed to two languages from birth
Childhood bilingualism – ages 5 to 12
Adolescent bilingualism – ages 12 to 17
Learning two languages at once can be both easier and more challenging. Children absorb language naturally, but they still need support and meaningful interaction.
The ideal time is before 5–7 years, when children already have a foundation in language, and their memory, attention, and fine motor skills are developing. At this age, children are more likely to speak both languages fluently and without an accent.
How much is enough?
Every family is different, so it is hard to define exact hours. Some research suggests around 25 hours per week of meaningful language exposure.
Language includes:
listening
speaking
reading
writing
All of these need attention.
Language is not something you “finish”. It is ongoing—more like climbing or maintaining something over time. As parents and educators, our role is to:
choose a strategy
stay consistent
create a rich language environment
Strategies for raising bilingual children
Barbara Zurer Pearson describes three main approaches:
1. One parent – one language
Each parent consistently speaks their own language with the child.
2. Time and place
Different languages are used in different situations (for example, at school vs at home).
3. Home language
The family speaks one language at home, while the community uses another.
This is common in countries like Australia. For example, a family may speak Russian or French at home, while the child uses English at childcare or school.
The key is to maintain the home language, because the environment will naturally support English.
10 steps towards bilingualism
Be consistent with your chosen approach
Be patient and persistent
Make learning enjoyable (books, films, games)
Use a variety of resources (songs, stories, technology)
Create opportunities for real communication
Do not focus on mistakes—focus on fluency and confidence
Consider bilingual programs or language groups
Connect language to culture
Talk often and meaningfully with your child
Give children time and space to respond and participate
What is your experience teaching or raising bilingual children? ‘Let’s discuss!
On the one hand, I was disappointed that I hadn’t had this book in my library nine years earlier. There was so much important and essential in it.
On the other hand, I felt relieved and even excited. The crises of early childhood were already behind us. So much still lay ahead: my son’s adolescence, and eventually my own old age and wisdom.
All of this is explored by the remarkable psychologist Erik Erikson.
Erik Erikson Bio
Blue-eyed blond Erik Erikson was born in Frankfurt am Main, Germany, in 1902.
Karla Abrahamsen was his mother. She was an intellectual of Jewish origin. She was married to Valdemar Salomonsen, however he was not Erik’s biological father. His father was an unknown Dane. Erik, originally a painter and teacher, became interested in psychology after meeting Anna Freud, the daughter of the famous psychoanalyst. She convinced Erikson to study at the Vienna Psychoanalytic Institute, which he did, choosing child psychoanalysis as his specialty. Erikson’s biography is often described in such detail. People believe that the identity crisis he studied so deeply was something he knew firsthand.
At a regular school, he was teased for being Jewish, and at a Jewish school, for not looking Jewish.
In 1933, Erik Erikson moved to the United States, where he began working at Harvard Medical School. Later, he moved to Yale University. During this period, he became interested in the influence of culture and society on child development. In 1950, Childhood and Society was published — a book that became a classic for beginning psychologists, sociologists, and educators.
In his later years, Erikson became fascinated with the question of the meaning of life. He continued working on the issues that concerned him until his death. He passed away at the age of 92.
Erik Erikson stages of development
Why is Erikson so important for parents and teachers — for anyone who cares about children’s lives?
Erikson explained a child’s emotional and social development. He showed what lays the foundation for emotional stability. He also identified what undermines it. He identified 8 main stages of psychological development. Each stage is marked by a conflict that a person either resolves successfully or not.
First stage — from birth to one year: trust vs mistrust
Second stage — from one to two years: autonomy vs shame
Third stage — from three to six years: initiative vs guilt
Fourth stage — corresponds to Freud’s “latency period”: competence vs inferiority
Fifth stage — adolescence: identity vs role confusion
Sixth stage — early adulthood: intimacy vs isolation
Seventh stage — later adulthood: productivity vs stagnation
Eighth stage — integrity (wisdom) vs despair
If the conflict is resolved positively, a person gains new character traits. These traits include confidence in the future, willpower, and competence. They also gain loyalty, the ability to love, care, and wisdom.
Childhood is an incredibly important stage in a person’s life. The relationships a child has with significant adults during this time influence later socialisation. The scientist said that it is in childhood that trust in people and the world arises. Autonomy and initiative also begin during this stage. Erikson was not a pessimist. He believed it is always possible to “return” to the past. We can “work through” unresolved conflicts.
Trust vs Mistrust
The first stage, according to Erikson, corresponds to the first year of a child’s life. The baby learns to trust themselves, other people, and the world as a whole. Erikson writes that trust can be internal. This means having belief in one’s ability to cope with difficulties. Trust can also be external, which is the belief that important adults will be there when needed.
A baby successfully passes this stage. This happens when parents soothe them when they cry, feed them when they are hungry, rejoice in their first sounds and steps, and respond to their needs. A child whose basic needs are not consistently met grows up suspicious and distrustful.
Self-confidence and trust in adults are necessary for a child to move to the next stage and develop independence. Lack of trust, on the other hand, puts the development of more complex social relationships at risk. In such cases, the child is more vulnerable.
What does it mean in practice?
carry babies in your arms and hug them often
feed on demand
soothe at the first signs of stress
This helps children believe that the world is safe and that there are people in it who care about them.
Erikson debated that such behaviour in the first year cannot “spoil” a child. Trust is the foundation without which true autonomy is impossible.
Independence vs Shame and Doubt
The second stage corresponds to the second and third years of life. The main developmental task is autonomy or independence. This is the period when the child’s “I” is forming.
This is when you first hear from your toddler: “No!”, “Mine!”, “Give!”, and of course, “Myself!”. I remember my son at two years old… Every trip to the shop ended the same way. He loved pressing the intercom button first and knocking on the door. If I accidentally forgot about his “need,” the anger and offence were intense.
Erikson reassures parents: “terrible twos” are completely normal. Nothing unusual about it. Children need opportunities to choose, to be involved in tasks, and to take on small responsibilities they can manage. For example, if a child wants to dress themselves and you are in a hurry, plan to get up earlier. This allows them the time to dress themselves.
At this time, Erikson warns, children behave very inconsistently: sometimes overly dependent, sometimes the opposite. To feel secure, they need reasonable limits. At home, we walk barefoot, but outside, we wear shoes. We eat ice cream after soup and salad, not before. It is most important to be firm (but not harsh), calm, and consistent.
What does it mean in practice?
give the child choices: “We are going outside. Do you want mum to dress you or will you do it yourself?”
set clear, reasonable, consistent limits (we can hug mum, but we don’t hit; we don’t fight, we talk things through)
accept and understand emotional swings from independence to dependence
The same child can be a “big kid” one moment and a “crying baby” the next.
Initiative vs Guilt
Children aged 4–5 go through this stage, which lasts until about 12 years old. At this age, a child is very energetic and curious. If this period is successfully resolved, the result is a confident and competent child.
Preschoolers can already do a lot: jump, run, climb, make friends. The outcome depends strongly on how parents respond to a child’s ideas. Learning from mistakes without feeling guilt is the key task of this stage.
This is the best time to do things together: cooking, building airports from blocks, making cubby houses in the yard. Praise for completed tasks, for helping at home, for everything that was achieved. Encouragement is very important. Labels like “what is this scribble?” can take away a child’s desire to show initiative.
What does it mean in practice?
encourage independence
focus on achievements, not mistakes
set expectations that match the child’s abilities
involve children in everyday activities — they are eager to learn what you can do
Erikson also describes later stages of development. However, this article focuses on younger children, so I will stop here. I refer you to the source, Childhood and Society, which describes each stage in detail.
To help children grow smart, they need trust and love.
Yesterday, I overheard a conversation between a parent and an educator. The parent casually said, “Oh, we’re doing a little bit of unschooling.”
I paused for a second because it was the first time I had heard that term. Naturally, I asked a few more questions.
UNSCHOOLING
It turns out that unschooling is an educational approach in which children learn through their own interests, curiosity, and everyday experiences rather than pursuing a fixed curriculum or formal lessons. Instead of adults deciding exactly what and when children should learn, the child’s interests help guide the learning process.
For example, a child interested in cooking might naturally explore maths through measuring ingredients. They can develop literacy through reading recipes. They may also learn science through experimenting with food.
I found the conversation really interesting because the idea of self-directed learning is becoming more visible in conversations about education and childhood.
RESEARCH
Wheatley (2009) describes unschooling as a child-led approach to education. Learning develops naturally through children’s interests, play, and curiosity. It is also nurtured by everyday experiences instead of a formal curriculum. This approach avoids tests or teacher-directed instruction. The article argues that children are naturally motivated to learn when their emotional and developmental needs are met. Wheatley draws on theories of intrinsic motivation and self-determination. He suggests that traditional schooling can undermine children’s love of learning. This happens when schools rely too heavily on control, standardisation, and external rewards.
The article highlights several perceived benefits of unschooling. These benefits include greater individualisation of learning. There are more opportunities for creativity and initiative. The approach allows flexible use of time. It also offers stronger support for the “whole child,” including social, emotional, and physical wellbeing. Wheatley also argues that unschooling encourages democratic participation. Children are involved in making decisions about their learning and daily activities.
What he talks about in his article is the contrast between unschooling and what the author describes as “factory-style” schooling. Wheatley critiques standardised testing. He critiques accelerated curriculum. He also critiques limited play opportunities and rigid schedules. Wheatley suggests that these practices can negatively affect motivation and healthy development. Instead, the article presents unschooling as an alternative model that values autonomy, curiosity, meaningful learning, and intrinsic motivation.
This is not new. There has been a lot of criticism of one size fits all model. E.g. by Ken Robinson or Ilyich.
Although the article strongly advocates for unschooling, it is largely theoretical and reflective in nature rather than empirical research. Much of the discussion relies on personal experience. It draws from educational philosophy and references to motivational psychology literature. This is rather than focusing on large-scale data studies.
As edivence-based teacher, I would love to research more about the lack of structure for learning from a neuroscientific point of view.
Reference
Wheatley, K. F. (2009). Unschooling: A growing oasis for development and democracy. Encounter: Education for Meaning and Social Justice, 22(2), 27-32.
